I didn't change my life by doing more.

I changed it by believing something different.

And it wasn't flashy.

It was quiet.

But once I started questioning this one thing I'd believed for years, it began unraveling a whole lot of other things with it.

For a long time, somewhere underneath everything else, I believed life would be easier if I could just be what everyone needed me to be.

Not in some obvious, conscious way.

I wasn't waking up every morning thinking, Okay Jennifer, who does everyone need you to be today?

It was much quieter than that.

And honestly, I think that's why beliefs like this can stick around for so damn long.

The lie wasn't loud.

It was familiar.

When a Belief Just Feels Like Who You Are

Being there for people is important to me.

I care about the people I love. I want to help. I want the people around me to be happy.

None of that was the problem.

The problem was how easily caring about other people could become organizing myself around them.

What would make them happy?

What would keep things peaceful?

What would they think about my decision?

Was my idea good enough?

Should I do it differently?

Maybe I should just go along with this.

Maybe it isn't worth saying anything.

Maybe they're right.

Maybe I need to try harder.

And when you've done that long enough, you don't necessarily recognize it as a belief anymore.

It just feels normal.

It feels responsible.

It might even feel like being a good wife, mother, daughter, friend or employee.

So you keep trying.

And trying.

And trying.

That's the strange thing about some of the beliefs that keep us stuck.

They don't always make us stop trying.

Sometimes they make us work even harder.

I Thought I Needed to Try Harder

If something wasn't working, my answer was often to put more effort into it.

Try harder.

Do better.

Make things easier for everyone else.

Push myself a little more.

And you can do that for a really long time without realizing that effort isn't actually the issue.

Because if the belief underneath your effort is:

What I want isn't as important.

Or:

Other people probably know better than I do.

Or:

Things will be easier if I can just be what they want me to be.

Then doing MORE doesn't necessarily move you forward.

Sometimes it just makes you really freaking tired.

Because you're putting all that effort into maintaining a version of yourself that doesn't completely fit anymore.

Then I Had to Figure Out What I Actually Wanted

There eventually came a point in my life when I had to stop organizing myself around someone else's expectations.

And suddenly I had questions I hadn't really had to answer in a long time.

What do I like?

What do I want?

How do I want to spend my time?

What actually feels good to me?

Who am I when I'm not trying to be who somebody else wants me to be?

Some of the answers were surprisingly simple.

I like quiet.

I don't always want to push myself as hard as I possibly can.

I like being able to go out with friends without worrying about what time I get home.

I like having freedom to change my plans.

And apparently, I also like not completely always giving a fuck about what everybody thinks. 😂

I'm still working on that last one.

I care what people think sometimes.

Of course I do.

But there's a big difference between caring what someone thinks and allowing what they might think to determine who you are.

I'd been in a semi-controlling relationship and when I left it opened me up to realizing many of these things. The first time it really sunk in was when I went out with a friend one night and it didn't matter when I went home. I only had to answer to what was best for me. My friend doesn't have that in her relationship - she didn't have to worry about her partner getting upset with her.

The Belief Wasn't True

Eventually, I started realizing something.

Becoming what everybody else wanted wasn't making life easier.

Not for me.

And probably not for everybody else either.

I could love people without disappearing into what they needed.

I could care about someone's opinion without making it my own.

I could make a choice someone else might not make.

I could like what I liked.

I could change my mind.

I could say no.

I could decide that something wasn't right for me even if somebody else thought it should be.

I could be myself.

That sounds ridiculously simple written out like that.

Living it was different.

Because when you've spent years believing something, you don't wake up Tuesday morning, discover it isn't true and become a completely different person by Wednesday.

I certainly didn't.

But once I stopped believing that I needed to be what everyone else wanted me to be, things started reorganizing.

Not overnight.

But honestly.

When the Belief Changes, Your Choices Start Changing Too

This is why I don't think every place we feel stuck means we're incapable.

Sometimes we're perfectly capable.

We're just making decisions from an old identity.

You can know how to set a boundary and still believe you're the person who's supposed to keep everybody happy.

You can know you deserve time for yourself and still believe being a good woman means putting yourself last.

You can know exactly what you want and still believe somebody else's opinion should carry more weight than your own.

You can have all the strategies in the world.

But if every strategy has to pass through an old belief about who you're allowed to be, it's going to be really hard to create something different.

That's why sometimes the answer isn't another thing to DO.

Sometimes you need to notice the story underneath everything you're already doing.

What Story Are You Living From?

Maybe yours isn't the same as mine.

Maybe yours is:

I'm not the kind of person who can do that.

I always quit.

I'm too much.

I'm not enough.

I'm selfish if I put myself first.

I'm bad at making decisions.

I need everyone to be okay with me.

I have to get this right.

I should be able to handle everything myself.

Or maybe you don't even have words for yours yet.

That's okay.

Start noticing.

Notice the thought that appears right before you second-guess yourself.

Notice what you tell yourself when you want something.

Notice what happens when somebody might be disappointed in you.

Notice the explanation you automatically give yourself for why you can't do the thing you want to do.

You don't have to immediately replace it with some giant positive affirmation you don't believe.

Just ask:

Is this actually true?

Because the lie may not feel like a lie yet.

It may just feel familiar.

You Don't Need Another Version of You

The biggest change for me wasn't becoming somebody else.

It was allowing myself to be more of myself.

And that's still happening.

Because life changes. We change. Sometimes we find ourselves in another season where we have to stop and ask those questions all over again.

Who am I now?

What matters to me now?

What do I need now?

And what am I still believing simply because I've believed it for a really long time?

You may be doing all the work right now and wondering why you still feel blocked.

Before you add another strategy, another routine, another book or another thing you need to fix about yourself...

Get curious about the story underneath it.

Because maybe capability isn't the problem.

Maybe you're trying to create a different life while still believing an old story about who you have to be inside of it.

You don't necessarily need a new strategy.

You might just need a truer story.

And maybe that story begins with something very simple:

I am allowed to be me.

May you stay true to your intentions, true to your heart's desires, and speak love and truth to those around you.

Love ya,
Jennifer